I just spent a week in Las Vegas, NV.  The happiest place on earth (for portrait and wedding photographers anyway).  A week long intensive networking and educational convention.  The inspiration is amazing.  The amount of knowledge that I get is life changing.  It has made me the photographer that I am.   I recommend that if any of you want to be professional photographers, WPPI will change your life.

So my trip was so much more than photography.  I am hoping that it will become a life altering experience personally.  Do you ever recognize when an “ah-ha” moment is the process of happening.  This last week, I actually spent more time crying than I spent in photography classes.  Keep in mind that education comes in all forms, right?  The journey to WPPI this year will transform the face of my business and my personal life!  For those of you who know me personally, you know that I have had a whirl wind of a year.  I don’t want to go into details ,however, it has been a year to test anybody’s resilience.  I remain positive; I move forward; and I look for the good in every experience; I do, however, have an extremely busy life, I run a successful business, I am a mother, I am a wife, and I am VERY private (I don’t want anybody to feel sorry for me EVER!)  The proceeding scenarios does wonders for my daily life, but it is like bomb waiting to go off when my shell gets cracked.  The oxymoron thing here, is that on a daily basis I am strong and confident and exude success from my pores.  Make me feel vulnerable and I am the biggest bumbling, crying, insecure, worthless feeling, example of a being that I have seen.  Literally, Jekyll and Hyde.  Those who know me in one aspect or the other would NEVER believe that the other side existed.  Yes, I know, if you are one of those people that knows me personally, you are thinking that I am full of shit right now, that is ok, I know what “My own truth” is.   I have spent many years trying to convince others that “my truth” mattered.  Really, the only one that it matters to is me.

So, my “ah-ha” moment.  The moment, after receiving eye glasses, that I realized that there were actually leaves on trees.  That they were not single masses of solid green stuff…..  It is all about self worth….

I am infamous for going on rants.  Getting so mad that I feel that I need to let the whole digital worldknow what I was thinking…..  Explain to the digital world exactly what I was thinking.  HAHAHA….. Explain, that is the key word.  I didn’t use the platform to tell anyone off.  I just tried to explain to the “haters” why they shouldn’t hate.  I tried to explain to those who did not see value in what I was doing what the value was.  In the process I offended many people.  No matter how many times I told the supporters and lovers that I acknowledge them, appreciated them, and needed them, I still offended them.

On my very first WPPI, 7 years ago, I realized my photographic “VALUE”.  I have spent all of the following years trying to justify my value; trying to get others and potential customers to see the “value” in what I was doing.  Trying to prove that I deserved just as much as everyone else to earn an honest living.  What I did not realize is that I did not see my own “worth”.  I have been doing so my whole entire life.  Not only with my business, but my whole entire life…  I have tried to prove to my family, to my siblings, to my co-workers, to my friends, to my parents, to my husband that I was worthy.   Yes, it is, a play on words.  I often get that.  They are only words, and they mean the same thing, but I am a very literal person.  My attention to detail is acute.  The slight variation in word definition completely changes the context of a statement if you do not know the difference between the words of “value” and “worth” please feel free to investigate it further.

Personal interpretation defines EVERY interaction with other people.  Individual experiences and connotations defines how we perceive interactions.  Where am I going with this.  My whole life I have been trying to prove my worth.  What is perceived as bragging and self promotion, was in all actuality a plea for acceptance and worthiness.  I felt that if I proved myself, if I was able to accomplish things, that if I was able to continue to improve, that “eventually” I would be accepted and others would see my worth.  The problem is….. never once, in all of my life did I see my own worth.

The strongest aspect of this phenomena has been present with my own family.  Why do I continue to search for this worth…. because my immediate family has never(generalization) seen any worth in who I am,  not my children, but my parents and my siblings.  I am an over achiever, I am a perfectionist, and I am highly self competitive because I have always thought that if I did more, if I did better, if I accomplished one more thing that I could finally achieve the level of acceptance and my family would find worth in me.

What I didn’t realize…… There are SO many people that have accepted me.  There are SO many people that see my worth.  I have discounted so many important people in my life, because I was looking for approval from very specific people in my life.  I will NEVER receive acceptance from those people.  I can not base my own self worth on whether or not my family accepts me or finds worth in the person that I am.

I hope that this revelation will change my life!

Thank you to all that have accepted me and find the worth in who I am…. you enrich my life every day, I couldn’t do it without you.

You will giggle to yourself if you personally know me….  Here is the mental picture of the visious circle that I have been caught in…. believe me it all perceptual….  I have spent the better part of 40 years,  groveling at the feet of those around me….. mental picture.   I am the roylal subject kneeled down on the ground arms extended to some type of king chanting “I’m not worthy… I’m not worthy”,   the king on the other hand does not see a peasant on the ground, but rather an equal, and strong, vibrant, successful peer.   The viscouse cycle comes from the fact that both parties are seeing something completely different.  Neither one of these two people will ever feel a balance, it’s all about perspective right.   The royal subject can’t figure out why the king will not acknowledging why he is a good subject, and the king can not figure out why one of his peers is laying on the ground with his arms outstreched….  if you can get the mental picture, you can see look of bewilderment and confusion on each of their faces….

I understand that you do not accept me….. I will no longer try to prove to you that I am worthy of your acceptance.

I close again with tears running down my face, an emptyness in my heart, and an ache for something that will never be.  It is time now to morn the loss of something that never was, and move on.

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